saturdays

Always a dilemma on how to run this day.

Had a tough time kicking yself out of the bed the morning to walk but I am always so glad I do afterwards.

Lazy breakfast, errands, fighting a nap, beach afternoon with sunset bonfire, roasted divver over the flames and smores with neighbors... not a bad ending at all.

Fighting sleep now but still have to do almost all on my "list."

Had a  nice time this morning reading and communing with myself while boys were at yoga.

All in all, a lovely day, even if the end results are still a fight away.

this week

Meditations are getting easier.
That its good news.

I cooked a new meal,  sweet orzo salad w/feta & carnelized peaches. It was from Hello Fresh, a food prep delivery service.  I really like the idea if this thing however all organic coves would be key.  Their packaging is far better than the competitor Blue Apron. Regardless, I realized I like orzo lots However the peaches were sort of odd and I am not a fan of cucumber either.  I'll toss the recipe but retain the interest in pursuing orzo.

Mailed package to Balin, Happy Birthday! 23, holy crap. What was I doing 23 what's ago?  Better yet, what was I doing 24 years ago? yikes.  Getting older is...interesting...

Got further in on my story idea.
General gist its down with some motivations still need to bete worked out.  Not to bad.

Got re-interested in a writing group.
Reading a book about women's circles... Perhaps there is a connection?

Trouble waking up to walk because of late bedtime.  Love dawn. Must get up.  Boo.

That's the news i'm willing to blab...

2084

i just don't know what I should be doing.
Perhaps because I have always had those things that I needed to do
and now I have time.
Time when I thought I would be finally able to get my own thing done
and I am frozen.

I think in prose
dream about painting
see myself writing songs
imagine the dresses and beads and braids
yet...
nothing.
crickets.
I don't challenge the status quo
yet I allow myself to be dreary because of it
my excuse.
the great "it"
whatever it is.

and on and on and on and on and on.

I have many things bursting to be said yet
can not.
the topic is too much of a challenge to handle
i can not manage how my audience would hear it
and I don't believe myself strong enough to care

so, I sit.
and I do the dishes
and I get fat
and I allow it.

All the news talks of doomsday
and I wait for it
because
under that type of duress
my skkills would shine.

I live the life that people die for
that people are dying for
in droves
every day
and
I
am
unhappy.

directionals

A night under the stars
ocean crashing a deep blue
sandy hair
smiling cheeks


Sometimes what is missing
is the nature right in front of me.

Am I going to live this close to the great Pacific ocean forever?
most likely no.
so, more visits are in order.

Plan to be spontaneous
and go Sundays & Wednesday afternoon/evenings
And swim with the fishies.



Yeah, I realize, after reading this over, that I am a very big waste of space.
Time to figure out what for!

Ponderous Things

Is there anything about me
That makes me Me?

Where do my fabrications end
And my truth begin?

All people can be all things
And...?

Proving to myself
Being for the world

Mother vs. Wife

Husband vs. Son

...so...
Set about a writing schedule
And GET ON IT ALREADY!

Not Them, it's Me.

It's not them, it is me. Truly.

In all cases, when I see something that I find aggravating, I can find the same issues within my own practice.

Ugh.

It is a pain having to always watch myself. To always be checking to see if I am screwing up somehow.  Then, I turned 40 and said so what?  That was liberating.

Now, I am backtracking a bit to see where I did things that I wanted to do by choice rather than by situational outcomes that just sort of "happened."  Ugh. Do I need to do this?  No.  So, why am I?
Why not just dance and sing and admire the flowers all day long?

Somewhere inside me the same issues keep coming back up and I would like to unpack the baggage and look at it one last time before tossing it overboard.  Some bags are already gone. What bags?  Some things... double ugh.

I pretty much have an answer for everything.
Perhaps this is why I am annoying. There are many reasons, I am sure, and I don't really care much anymore.

I just would like to talk to someone aside from my own wayward self sometimes. And it is crickets in my home... Crickets.

Well, working on it.

This book I am reading now "Carry On Warrior, Thoughts On Life Unarmed" has far too many sections with undeniuably resonate with me.  Ugh.  (how many uggghs is that?)

I highly recommend reading.

Dear Future Me: keep reading.

:)

Believing

...workking on it.

There is a school of thought out here in southern Californis that your thoughts can remap your mind.  That there are no bad days.  Awesome.


Yet, what about when there are?

Well, in walks Byron Katie to show the unschooled how to really and truly believe what is true..


However, what is left are all the disjointed thoughts that are not proven to be true yet still magnetized by some brain activity - perhaps the subconsciousness - and when can one draw the line at who they are if it isn't what one thinks?

Turned around and upside down yet... does it really even matter?

Today, a good day.
Tomorrow, another.

Thinking, Reminiscing

The past two weeks have been full of thoughts- some focused and many just clouds passing by...

One cloud took a detached look at my ideas on who these boys of mine are and my parenting, so very different, of each one.

One cloud wondered what else I needed to DO for them. This one had an emphatic tone. I found myself struggling. Then, I watched the cloud pass by. I believe I had to allow it to pass or I would have spent hours dwelling, fliking up dream space with chatter.

Pass along, clouds. How varied you are. How you turn from whimsy to tricky back to just thin air.

Sometimes the clouds gather to rain.
I love rain.

Settling Truths

Sinking into the tasks however not yet in my own rhythm so it is a bit taxing to forget and remind myself and think if I did all those things.

I have a plan to work on organization aspects to get my intentions for efficient work down. I like this. So, even if I balk at the process sometimes, the overall outcome is favorable. I must remember this and apply it to further reaching aspects.

Planks. Ugh. My friend Connie is up to 4 minutes. That is a heck of a lot of seconds.

If she can do it I must as well. so far, 40 seconds is fine for me.

Looking forward to a more secure schedule in September when more physical activity both regimented and spontaneous can continue.

What I have learned: Once a day is far easier than three times a week or monday-friday. Every Day, Get on it.

I love books and reading obscure things. Randon tangents that flow into each other while perusing the shelves at the Library are an interesting benchmark of what is going on in my head. I have been taking photos of the bedside table about twice a month. Too many scattered blogs - I may add them all up in once place here.  Gah, I do so like organizing and streamlining!

Looking forward to getting home Sunday afternoon. My time in NYC has been wonderful on so many levels that I don't even want to flush them all out. Just humming happily. Walking the streets for blocks and blocks is simply wonderful. I have missed it. My love affair with Central Park continues to grow. In one of my college classes at SLC in 2008 I took a class called Death & Mourning. My research project was about burial practices in America 1900-2000 and I stumbled upon the history and development of city graveyards which spilled into parks. Thank you, gentleman who's name I can not remember, who decided there had to be trees. They are simply fabulous.  My youngest boy and I picked wild blackberries in the ramble. We saw swimming turtles. It was glorious.

With that, goodnight fom NYC. One day left them off to CA I go.

Next week, house shakedown (pick the damn wall colors already & make the studio).

Grindstone

So the day doors indeed go a bit better when tasks are done first,  or early,  and checked off.

Also,  I do so like organization and expect to try a paper weekly calendar upon arrival home.

Feeling better about the plank and meditation and man do I love the walk...especially here in nyc, however time for myself is lacking even with a task list/goal.

I am getting a plan together for when my little friend goes back to school. 

All in all,  progress,  and nothing bad or especially hard.  Yay.

Reality vs.

So the plan was a challenge even before a word was written.
I did accomplish all tasks yesterday as my day 1 and there were parts of it that sucked. As in, no ideas I had to write about ended up, when finally sitting down to write them, passing the internal "is it good enough" test.

This is a thing.
Something to get over.
A hurdle like this is practice as it comes up again and again.
Each time will be practice.

Time to meditate.
Ugh & om.

Making Way for Me in 2016

So I flitter around without really doing anything or saying anything - sort of just waiting for things to happen.  I feel stuck in this beautiful life and it goes by differently than half of me would like. For a little experiment, I have decided to see what happens with a little experiment.

I am giving myself a test.
For the remainder of 2015 in order to get my head and heart on the same page, to further and more specifically define my goals and to find out about exactly where I want to go and what I need to do to get there I committ to the tasks below.

Every day until December 31, 2015 I will:
Write for at least 30 minutes.
Meditate.
Plank, stretch, squat.
Brisk walk or run.

I also committ to:
Write and send out at least one gratitude letter each week.
Cook a new meal at least once a week.

I committ to documenting this here.
Every day.

mountain dreaming

I have an idea.
a certain set of thoughts that gets stuck, looping, around in my head that I am not able to shake clear without consideration.
I love the idea.

I am in strawberry.
making it work.
it is hard work and i need some hard work.
i need to fix problems that arise and make things beautiful.
i need to draw a crowd of people and learn from them - hear their stories - and create my own.,

the opportunity of summer is looming and I feel like I must go there from day 1 through as long as possible.

although my favorite time would be summer turning into the new year, i will take what i can get.

how to again push away what i long for?
again to crumple up a dream?

it isn't like we are living a dream for any other - my spouse does not seem to have a dream except not working and that is just preposterous.

so, what to do?
go to pilates.
that is something that strawberry wont have.
without me making it.
go and be here and love it while you are here.
who knows how long there is amongst this beauty?

sounds and feeling

guitar
loudly
and echoing
and taking up all the space that the dream was inside my head,
that lucid space
the swiss cheese holes they filled with music
and then became
all consumed
by it

and then i cried
inside
for a moment
deciding.
and then i spoke.
taking me as more important
for i would die
by my own hand
if i didn't get this bit down.

December 2014

The leafless trees
pointed
spiked and sway

the trickle
a stream
flows down around
and away

my breath
finding rhythm
I hum within.

The chill
here and there
around bends and corners
and I do not expect it to be heard
or understood

I am
I am here
to hear and hum
breathe and run
and so I do.

In the mist

Disappear
I can
one day
when it rains
and I have the right boots
fit for long walks

Disappear
one day
I will

Beards and Sands

Sometimes all it takes is a glimpse of the something else
and off the mind goes
on tangents.

In this case,
while reading about explorers
before maps were a household item
far before even a thought of the digital world

I escaped from my hovel of wonderment
into another place.
And considered my fascination
with the 1800's and the life of the explorers who left comfort and sanity
for distant un-American/English/Western lands
and
if it was adequate enough to carry one away.

A man
and his Hungarian wife
caused quite the interest
amongst Africa back then
when they
and mostly her golden tresses
arrived.

I too
follow each person as if they have these
golden tresses
as if they walk
in harmony
with their lover from a distant land.

A watcher am I
to experience
filling in with my breath
what can not be known.
And care not
do I
of details
when all that is left
is faded parchment
turned to dust,
footsteps on the Sahara.

Having Wings

I am at the rope.
Unable to see and content in this.
So, I listen.  I think.  I remain on tangents.

Then, a voice.
It says "What are you waiting for?" and I laugh.
Exactly this, I figure.
Then I go and it is wonderful.

Here, now, so long after that fact, I still wait for the voice.
I can be my own voice yet have fear.
In order to let go of my perceived security, all this stuff that seems real must be embraced
as the make-believe
which it is.
Only then will I be able to use these wings
which have been
so ever
at the ready.

The Corridor.

Was so totally depleted the last few days.  Un-enchantment growing.

Turned a corner after some quiet reflection thanks to music, writing, and talking with others. Seeing that corner now behind me helped recognize something which might be important.  For some people, when help is most needed, they might be completely unable to reach out.  Just slowing down for a few minutes to notice the way the leaves turn in the wind, the way the sun rises, the whole entirety of people on this planet that start out beautiful and free, living fully in the ability to hear, feel, see and communicate... If I did this more often, this slowing down, I might catch the eye of another person down a corridor.  I might see more and differently.

Hear. Feel. See. Communicate.  <3

Beacons

Grown men
Running
To the waters
And i
Amongst them
Accepted
Accepting
Watching
The glowing sky
Go to darkness.