1/23/16

All Pointing Signs

All Pointing signs can be avoided rather than pricked on...however, this does not change the fact that they are still very much there.

This, from Galactic Rabbit:

Libra

Every couple of years I notice articles circling the internet describing the passing down of intergenerational trauma. How our fears and sorrows, our deepest sources of grief, are etched into our DNA and delivered into the bodies that come from our bodies. A sadness like a vampire inside you—immortal. These sorts of scientific findings compel me to wonder how quiet pain is measured. I think about the way my mother’s face turns dark at the mention of sex. I think about my father’s bad heart and how, when we were states apart, my body felt him fall to the floor. I fell down too; I cracked my chin open. Unconscious, I pissed myself and was ashamed.

In an essay about Serena Williams, in Citizen, Claudia Rankine writes:

Yes, and the body has memory. The physical carriage hauls more than its weight. The body is the threshold across which each objectionable call passes into consciousness—all the unintimidated, unblinking, and unflappable resilience does not erase the moments lived through, even as we are eternally stupid or everlastingly optimistic, so ready to be inside, among, a part of the games.

 Libra, yesterday your body was a living record of all that has happened to you and before you. Today, your body is just a human body—it is muscle, blood, and bone. In order to protect it, the stories that evoke shame must have a different ending.  You must be brave enough to write them.

anyday everyday

I put this blog out in the open in a few places.
because,
well,
dark times reign at certain intersections
and I have read that opening up channels
of any sort
may shed light
of any sort.

So.

10/10/15

Selective Destiny

The 41 club.
My doll.
The fact that my friend Tory is a forest fairy.
Wallie & Steven
My beautiful gold cards.
The seasons of my youth.
The Library experience.
Esalen... for real?
Rhythms and Eurythmy.
Rhythms & breathing.
Books. Author. Bodywork.
Get back up on the horse, walk, meditate, track the circle of the sun and the light it hits.
Sing to the birds.
Build garden houses.
Write, read, breathe, walk, run, dance, sing, be.

10/9/15

Making Things

I'd like to make this...
Now, if only time rolled along for me but stopped everything else for a bit.

10/5/15

Just because & why not?

I went to a women's writing group this eve- as I came about it in a serendipitous way I figured I would try and go.
We are all so very different, the 5 of us, and with writing bringing us together it just might work.

Next meeting, 2 weeks and I shall have something to read aloud to this new audience. I am looking for prompts as to which of my many ideas I will go with to develop and...why not...consulted my Purpose cards as I found them frighteningly right on the mark twice now. I was called an Oracle by the younger set so it seemed fitting to get the cards for our weekend away.

Tonight, I asked what to dream about, a three card spread. And, this is what came up.

We shall see if I can remember.

Until then, stories abound!

10/2/15

10 minutes at the end of Friday

Friday night, weekend away. A place in some dry hills, cooler temperatures, farm animal sounds drifting through the air.
I wondered about doing my 10 minutes here, out loud, rather than in the book by hand.
It is so easy to delete here - which I have already done so. The waste - of time - or space - of stuff. It is a waste that I wonder what will happen with the stuff. Is there anything to do with the stuff?
Yet, all in all, it really doesn't matter if I do anything with it or if I do not. Just that I sit here and time the 10 so that I can fulfill my goal - the idea is in the practice.

Not drinking alcohol amongst so many who do is a string of moments to write about.
In this moment, I sit in my bunk, next to the window and nearest a door, as intended, with a party of sorts going on outside and around the corner and a quiet space in here for myself and two others. We do not talk. We are alone with ourselves yet I wonder if they feel my presence as strongly as I feel theirs?
In this moment I am thinking if this is unique to me and perhaps why I like to be alone so often - unburdened then by the intake of all their projecting. Information stretching out from their pores and beyond like a wave hitting me
and I sputter
trying to breathe
and still hold my own self afloat.
Yet, in this manner,
who am I?
Just the flotsam reacting to their jetsam.
or
vice versa
it really does not seem to matter.

And this phrase - about the phrase it doesn't really matter - which has been spoken a lot, this is what is on my mind now and how I have used it for effect rather than gathering together my intentions and feelings (both before and/or after) on what I wanted to say. Am I cruel to myself on purpose? Is it because as another mentioned in the circles today that I am still procesing the way in which I was developed before I was even born?

I have been exhausted by all the thoughts lately - all the plots for happiness and 100 days of this or that.
Why not just be by myself and live amongst my own thoughts to see how I really am?
Then I wonder about the other component - the relationships with others - would these come to me on my own accord or do we live seeing the supposed perfect scenario and mimic without thinking.

Am I really just this debbie downer when around people all the time dowm deep and joyful when alone in the deciduous forest?
Do I care to stretch the moments together to test out the theory?
And
does it even really matter?

thoughts going round and round with 11 days to go.

10/1/15

October.

Wrote for 10.
Plank for 60.
10 squats.
Read a book.
Cooked dinner & didn't set table or clear.
Got little boy to bed after bath & books in time.
House clean.
Yard ok.
Halloween decorations in progress.
Talked with friend.
Planned a future event.
Daydreamed a fun scenario.
12 days till 42.
12 days till tipsy.
12 days to get through 41.
Took a photo.
Walked the dog.
Laughed with a big boy.
Thought about decorating improvements.
Sat in the shade.
Concentrated on breathing.
Did a good deed.
Planned a better one.
Experienced a creative moment.
A random postcard brought me to tears.
Received a compliment.
...all in this day.
Thanks.

9/23/15

New found self

Although not writing here doesn't mean not writing anywhere
tho diligent I may not have been.

Discovered a place where my efforts on paper can be appreciated
by me

spent 4 hours on an agenda
feel confident
and free.

It seems as if that little voice
whispering upon my shoulder
when not shushed by the no-can-dos
actually can do.

And
with the reminder
that I do not need to guess
predict
anticipate
the ending
For anyone else but me
I can live free.

Last challenge before 4:15am
find a passage of harmonious truth
to share with other souls

Looking...
looking.


9/8/15

Goals

Meditation is up to 7 minutes,  yikes!

Still haven't written the gratitude letters, making no good clear time for myself...

Writing sporadically, almost every day however in Evernote and not here.

Fell back in old habits, kicked them out (sort of).

Back walking almost every day.

Interested in this 6 month permaculture class, ohmygee- it would be amazing.

School begins this week and I find myself wanting more in-house-alone-time... big boy needs a job.

Byron Katie is amazing. Keep folowing.

Mountains & ocean, who can choose?

Trees, trees, it is all about the trees.

9/2/15

September.

Days till something happens,
Days till nothing happens.

All the signs point in one direction
Yet
I look away.

The ground, 
Sturdy.
My footing,
Even.
My heart,
Yearning.
My eyes,
Ahead.

And...
My bags,
Untended
Unfriended

And

Yet

Blisters
remain.

8/27/15

The Sewing Room

material is what I bring to the table.
cloths so thick with it

and some threadbare
whispy
downright invisible.

and me
wrapped in tapestry
with bells
and a sideways smirk
which hides
on the inside...

materials.
of those,
I have lots.


8/26/15

The Giving Tree

and then the heavens broke
and I was busy
and there were jobs to do
and places to go
and a friend
and I was happy.

The park
a haven for interactions
dreaming of putting in
a little library.
:)

8/25/15

Pixie Dust

Isn't it amazing
when I focus on the shortcomings
the negatives
the problems
then
all I see
are problems
negatives
shortcomings.

And
when
instead
I seek out what I like,
that what likes me comes back.

Amazing.


***


Byron Katie = amazing.
sparkly.
pixie dust was sprinkled
and then she hands you the jar.

And
in thanks
I sprinkle my toes
so I have some wherever I go.


8/24/15

Awake and Dreaming

The twins in the teak cottage
amid the ferns

they work
studiously
side by side.

And I
on a tree lined balcony
the city spread out beneath
with the white Persian cat weaving between my ankles.

The coffee is hot
and the cinnamon still swirling.

I am looking off into the clouds
and feel the mist
from the leaves
from the depths
from the forest floor
so far away
so far away


Tomorrow
the newspapers will arrive
and I will have some such thing
want to read to me about how the day was done
yet
I already know
inside
because I wrote it.

There,
in the octtage,
the walls speak.


8/23/15

Day 1 of year 24

anger or annoyance?

Bubbling, building.
gaining focus.
clearer thoughts coming together.

today I saw the white cat about my ankles
crossing from left to right in the mirror of my dressing room.
when I looked down, she was gone.
the persian princess had been smiling.


***
uncertain about where to be one thing vs another in my world of boxes,
I muddle things up and can not keep them straight everytime.
fruustrating.
human.
equally frustrating.

A lesson which finally resonated enough to stick was that it is the practice and not exactly making it to the finish that counts the most.
Perhaps I knew this as the medals held no triumph for me.
yet,
for some reason,
just saturday
on a new trail
with a different band of women
mist still hanging in the sky
awaiting bright dawn light
I heard it again and it struck.
The practice
is where the perfect is found
and not
the other way around.

***

I must articulate myself wisely.

reading a book by Jean Shinoda Bolen
fantastic.
daydreams about visits to greece
research of history vs. mythology
aching to touch maps and follow the lines of streams

It feels good to have a daydream.
The good is in the practice.

Also, had an idea for a short.

The tale of Artemis, the twin of Apollo
being withheld from her father until it was safe to meet him
and amused he asked her what she wished:
A bow and arrows,
and to find them herself.
Nymphs to follow her
and to find them herself.
Hounds to protect her
and to find them herself.
And the perfect woods, streams, meadows...
and to find them herself.
Laughing, the delighted God granted her this
and off she went.

The hunt for each item as exciting as the item itself
and lost in creating her own world she was.

Lovely.




8/21/15

What Gives?

Doom & gloom.
I always thought it was him,
but
lo
it very well may be me.


***


Took a day off from writing, etc, due to a bad food experience and yes, found how easy it is to rack up another excuse. Didn't walk for 2 days, feel awful. Boo.

Going back to thoughts on being media free for awhile again... there is just so much noise coming in and not enough concentration on me.

Delving into what is authentic
is it ok to live in denial for a huge section?
I know the answer as I write this...
yet why do I shy away from truth?
guilt?
would I council anyone else to live like this?

no.
never.

Stuck in crud. Of my own design.
for 30 years now...
why?

8/19/15

Eve of Thursday

Dates.
My new favorite food.

Dreaming of Persia
and Greece
Water
and Sands

The Bedouin.

Adventure.
Travels.
Absorbtion.
Ressurrection.

I ccok a meal
I dream of wine
the prefect compliment
to my date.

8/18/15

when ideas come

It has been a dry spell for ideas I think because I have been quite down on myself lately. My relationships are not what i expect them to be.
I am not what I expected to be. ..
upon further investigation it turns out I just don't want to work hard for it.
That is ok if I was willing to settle but since I am not,  I am my own royal pain.
Just fabulous.

So,  enter meditation and walking and enforced writing. ..
enter ideas of being in that tiny house by the sea (I can hear the waves crashing even if the train rumbles close by & my neighbors wear underoos in the daytime. Big whoop).
or maybe the mountain one is right for me.
tap, tap, tap go the fingers on the keys
coffee and cinnamon please
a garden
a cat
birds chirping
some swirly skirts
a beaded arm
early mornings on the beach
the bite on a juicy peach

Blah blah
and more blah.
why didn't this publish on time?
dunno, just keep going.